In honor of Valentine's Day, I am blogging off-topic this month.
I am in a certification program offered by my mentor Bitten Jonsson where I am learning holistic approaches to treatment of sugar addiction. But, it also includes a lot of information about ALL types of addictions. A recent assignment was to study more in-depth about Sex and Love Addiction (SLA). It started as a talk to our class from Swedish sailor and physician Roger Nilson. I took a rather deep-dive on this topic, and thought I would share what I learned here for the benefit of all. So here goes.
Sex and Love Addiction (SLA) is an intimacy disorder defined by the paradox of experiencing a fear of being emotionally close but also of being abandoned or rejected. Sex and Love Addicts run away compulsively from what they most long for: love, trust and safety. They use lust to replace love, and intensity to replace intimacy.
SLA affects about 5% of the population.
o 70% of men are sex addicts.
o 70% of women are love addicts.
Like other addictions, there is down-regulation and tolerance.
"Normal" sexual behavior is no longer rewarding.
It can take up to a year and maybe two for the brain to "normalize" after stopping an addictive substance.
Cybersex is the crack cocaine of sex addiction, which makes in increasingly problemmatic in our increasingly on-line world.
So how are Sex and Love Addictions defined?
According to the 2018 ICD 11 (International Classification of Diseases), Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD) is:
Not about sex. It is about the brain/reward system, not about moral or sexual preferences)
Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD) is characterized by a persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behavior.
Symptoms may include:
Repetitive sexual activities becoming a central focus of the person’s life to the point of neglecting health and personal care or other interests, activities and responsibilities.
Numerous unsuccessful efforts to significantly reduce repetitive sexual behavior; and continued repetitive sexual behavior despite adverse consequences or deriving little or no satisfaction from it.
The pattern of failure to control intense, sexual impulses or urges and resulting repetitive sexual behavior is manifested over an extended period of time (e.g., 6 months or more), and causes marked distress or significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Distress that is entirely related to moral judgments and disapproval about sexual impulses, urges, or behaviors is not sufficient to meet this requirement.
There are different types of SLA:
Sex addiction is when a person uses sexually compulsive behavior to avoid real connection.
Love addiction is when a person has an excessive interest in romantic partners but fails to truly connect with anyone.
Romance Addiction (RoA)
Not love more the illusion of love. Get their buzz, their fix, from “love” and romance not from sex, not from relationships. The RoA is in love with the idea of love. The RoA does not really care about the other person. RoA is also an expert in illusion, in fact, lives in illusion.
Relationship Addiction (RA)
Relationship addicts do not necessarily care about love or romance (or sex).
Type I: This person is addicted to having a relationship -- any relationship, real or fantasied. Is hooked on the idea. Like radar, they are always scanning the horizon for possibilities.
Type II: Is a person who is addicted to a particular relationship with a particular person, is hooked on the person.
Love addicts often have difficulties to leave destructive relationships or are attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable. Or partners who have addictive behaviors or have other psychiatric issues such as personality disorders, depression etc. Love addiction in these cases, has similarities to codependency.
Shared symptoms of sex and love addiction include:
Low self-esteem
Prevalent trust issues
Episodes of extreme emotions such as anger or fear
A difficulty forming or committing to relationships
Difficulty expressing or sharing emotions
SEX ADDICTION
Signs of sex addiction include:
Obsessive and overwhelming thoughts about sex and sexual acts
Prioritizing sexual desires over day-to-day responsibilities
Feeling depression or shame about sexual acts
Avoiding activities that do not include sex
Engaging in high-risk sexual behaviors
Hiding sexual behaviors
Ignoring the consequences of sexual behaviors
Infidelity
Repeated and failed attempts to curb or stop sexual activities
Addictive Sexual Behavior
Acting out leads to shame
Depression
Masking feelings
Isolation
Loss of control
Healthy Sexual Behavior
Mutual respect
Clarity about feelings
Communication
Joyfulness
Genuine intimacy
Sex Addiction can further be divided into 10 Types: (Don’t Call it Love, 1992, Patrick Carnes)
Voyeurism – Usually means objectifying the other person, so it is not a personal relationship.
Visual arousal.
The use of visual stimulation to escape into obsessive trance.
Exhibitionism – From a relationship perspective, it is introducing oneself in an inappropriate way or seeking attention from others with no intent of going further, which is to tease.
Attracting attention to body or sexual parts of the body.
Sexual arousal stems from reaction of viewer whether shock or interest.
Seductive Role Sex – Often there is a fear of abandonment so having more than one relationship is a way to prevent the hurt they are sure they will receive. They are crippled in their ability to form lasting bonds and enduring relationships.
Seduction of partners.
Arousal is based on conquest and diminishes rapidly after initial contact.
Trading Sex – If a prostitute is a sex addict, meaning that they found sex more pleasurable with clients than in personal relationships and are “hooked on the life”, it represents a significant distortion of normal courtship. The goal is to simulate flirtation, demonstration, and romance. What actually happens in most cases is about replication of childhood sexual abuse in which the child gained power in a risky game of being sexual with the caregiver.
Selling or bartering sex for power.
Arousal is based on gaining control of others by using sex as leverage.
Intrusive Sex – People who engage in intrusive sex, such as touching people in crowds or making obscene phone calls, are really perverting the touching and foreplay dimensions of courtship. Their behaviors represent both intimacy failure and individuation difficulties.
Boundary violation without discovery.
Sexual arousal occurs by violating boundaries with no repercussions.
Fantasy Sex – Many sex addicts find refuge in fantasy sex because other forms of acting out are simply too complicated, too risky, or too much effort. It is about fear of rejection, fear of reality, and reduction of anxiety.
Paying for Sex – Here, sex addicts are willing participants in simulated intimacy. They are focused, however, on the touching, foreplay, and intercourse without the hassle of a relationship. Often, the failure is about the sex addict’s inability to communicate feelings to his/her partner or to be willing to work on his/her own attractiveness behaviors.
Purchasing of sexual services.
Arousal is connected to payment for sex, and with time the arousal actually becomes connected to the money itself.
Anonymous Sex – Having to experience fear in order for arousal or sexual initiation. You do not have to attract, seduce, trick, or even pay for sex. It is just sex. Frequently for sex addicts, part of the high is the risk of unknown persons and situations.
High-risk sex with unknown persons.
Arousal involves no seduction or cost and is immediate.
Pain Exchange Sex – For a sex addict to only be aroused if someone is hurting them is a distortion of what goes into sexual and relationship health. Specifically, touching, foreplay, and intercourse become subordinated to some dramatic story line that is usually a re-enactment of a childhood abuse experience.
Being humiliated or hurt as part of sexual arousal; or sadistic hurting or degrading another sexually, or both.
Exploitative Sex – Addicts in this category will use “grooming” behavior, which is to carefully build the trust of the unsuspecting victim. Attraction, flirtation, demonstration, romance, and intimacy are all used. Arousal is dependent on the vulnerability of another
Exploitation of the vulnerable.
Arousal patterns are based on target “types” of vulnerability.
LOVE ADDICTION
Signs of love addiction include:
Obsessing over romantic interests or potential partners
The inability to be alone without some romantic attachment
Consistently seeking out and chasing new love interests
Feeling the need to always be in love
An intense feeling of euphoria at the prospect of a new love attachment
Losing interest in a new partner when attachment forms
Using new relationships to hide from negative emotions or situations
Love Addiction can further be divided into four types: (Source)
Obsessed/Obsessive. When a person struggles with differentiation and detaching from partners. They continue to pursue a partner even if the relationship is unhealthy. They are afraid to leave because they are afraid of being alone.
Codependent. A person with codependency uses their partner to elevate or validate their self-worth or self-esteem. They may pursue partners who also have addictions or are emotionally unavailable, seeking to “fix” them.
Narcissistic. This person puts themselves in a place of power within a relationship. They exploit their partner, relying on them as a source of ego-boosting attention and servitude. They also may ignore their partner or act out in selfish ways.
Ambivalent/Avoidant. When a person is love avoidant, they fear and avoid intimacy. They may find themselves unable to shake memories of past affairs. They may pursue emotionally unavailable partners. They also may frequently find themselves in situations of unrequited love. They may even sabotage their relationships when they begin to form a connection. They do this to avoid authentic intimacy. They’re pursuing the illusion of a relationship but fear anyone getting too close.
Anxious Attachment Styles are especially vulnerable to Love Addiction
Getting Help
Great resources are available here:
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